110

I'm looking for some funny jokes and puns that occur in computer languages. I'll post an oldie to kick things off... What are some others?

update: Especially looking for code-related jokes... the ones that only make sense to programmers reading code.

191 accepted

A SQL query goes into a bar, wanders up to 2 tables and says "can i join you".

groan

168

Another classic is the worlds last mistake:

/* world's last mistake in C */ 

if(code = CODE_RED) { 
 launch_missiles(); 
}
151

Let's not forget this old chestnut...

alt text

113

And:

XML is like violence - if it doesn't solve your problems, you are not using enough of it.

105

alt text

98

Definition of recursion:

recursion /n./
See recursion.

96

This is by far my favorite: Credit to the creator at XKCD

94
if (computer.fail == true) {
    background.setColor(blue);
    user.frown();
    sys.shutdown();
    user.scream("OH, F**K YOU");
}
94

I don't know why this is so funny, but I nearly fell off my chair...

"Make me a sandwich." "What? Make it yourself." "Sudo make me a sandwich." "Okay." -- Proper User Policy apparently means Simon Says.

92

See XKCD, because of gems like these:

XKCD

link text

(And for those who like SQL)

84

An old favourite of mine - Technical manuals in the spirit of Dr. Seuss:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this? What a shame sir!
We'll find you another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.

Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

84

On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.

Charles Babbage

83

Adam and Eve were walking through the forest when they came across some snakes with chain saws cutting down trees and making rustic furniture. Adam asked, "what are you doing?"

One of the snakes hissed, "God told us to go forth and multiply ... but we're just adders, we can't multiply without log tables"

79

My favorite:

public double penetration;

from here

74

There are 10 types of programmer: those who understand binary and those who don't

70

Here's a good one:

Why can't programmers tell the difference between Christmas and Halloween...

Because 31 in octal equals 25 in decimal, i.e. OCT 31 == DEC 25

68

If you hold a Unix shell up to your ear you can hear the C.

66

Our developers were on a softball team named Try...Catch...Throw

65

@Jonas - When in doubt, use Fixed Width Formatting.


     Drug Dealers                      Computer Programmers 
     - Refer to their clients as       - Refer to their clients as 
       "users".                          "users". 

     - "The first one's free!"         - "Download a free trial version?" 

     - Have important South-East       - Have important South-East Asian  
       Asian connections (to help        connections (to help debug the 
       move the stuff).                  code).

     - Strange jargon: "Stick,"        - Strange jargon: "SCSI," "RTFM," 
       "Rock," "Dime bag," "E".          "Java," "ISDN". 

     - Realize that there's tons       - Realize that there's tons of 
       of cash in the 14- to             cash in the 14- to 25-year-old 
       25-year-old market.               market. 

     - Job is assisted by the          - Job is assisted by industry's 
       industry's producing newer,       producing newer, faster machines. 
       more potent mixes. 

     - Often seen in the company       - Often seen in the company of 
       of pimps and hustlers.            marketing people and venture 
                                         capitalists. 

     - Their product causes            - WoW. DOOM. Quake. SimCity. 
       unhealthy addictions.             Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said. 

     - Do your job well, and you
       can sleep with sexy movie       - Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! 
       stars who depend on you. 
61

a really nice try :-)

550times

53

A favourite Dilbert cartoon of mine

The cartoon

49

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive!?

48

A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!"

To which the man replies, "I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."

43

For the C++ programmers:

catch ( exception& )
{
    cerr << "That's weird\n";
    cerr << "It works on my machine\n";
}
41

In order to proceed, Vista needs to increment the instruction pointer.

[Allow] or [Cancel]

Originally posted at http://it.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=364301&cid=21401413

40

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features

39

From limerickdb.com:

A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As he lay there in bed
Looping 'round in his head
Was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;

38

This reminds me: if you really love bad programming puns, you should read Nerdcore: The Core Wars. My personal favorite is this one: lol java

37

My favorite:

Two strings walk into a bar. The first one says:

Hello, I'd like some Vodka andytewsr@)W$(#*$&!^Y@)^&30@#!

"You'll have to excuse my friend," the second one says, "he's not null-terminated."

32

I recall a determined C programmer who would go to great lengths, it seemed, to include comical lines in his source code. For example:

#define FALSE 0
#define OFTHEJEDI -1

int foo() {

    if (FALSE) {
        return OFTHEJEDI; /* Ha! */
    }

}

It was probably funny in 1983.

27

This one is fairly codeish. Surprised I didn't see it, usually entitled "The Evolution of Language".

Descartes

2x

Church

\lambda x. 2x

McCarthy

(LAMBDA (X) (* 2 X))

W3C

<?xml version="1.0"?>
<LAMBDA-TERM>
  <VAR-LIST>
    <VAR>X</VAR>
  </VAR-LIST>
  <EXPR>
    <APPLICATION>
      <EXPR><CONST>*</CONST></EXPR>
      <ARGUMENT-LIST>
        <EXPR><CONST>2</CONST></EXPR>
        <EXPR><VAR>X</VAR></EXPR>
      </ARGUMENT-LIST>
    </APPLICATION>
  </EXPR>
</LAMBDA-TERM>
27

Overhead in an ASP.Net user's group meeting.. (poking fun at Java..)

Knock Knock

Who's there?

...

...

...

(wait about 30 seconds)

"Java.."

24

I can't believe I actually kept attributions for this one:

p = "you are nasty"         q = "my first name is Janet"
r = "my first name is baby" s = "My name is Miss Jackson"
(!r -> q) & (p -> s)      - Braverman's Third Lemma
!r & (!p -> q) & (p -> s) - Libor's Corrolary
        Seen in the .sig of David Terrell,  4.9.2000

From fortune(1):

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
        be good
}
23

2B OR NOT 2B that's FF

23

Attributed to Dr. Niklaus Wirth when asked about the pronunciation of his name:

"Whereas Europeans generally pronounce my name the right way ('Nick-louse Veert'), Americans invariably mangle it into 'Nickel's Worth.' This is to say that Europeans call me by name, but Americans call me by value."

23

A programmer's wife one day asked her husband: Can you go to the shop and buy a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, buy six. The programmer dutifilly goes to shop and returns with 7 loaves of bread.

22

In 8080 assembler, the ORG directive specified the start address (origin) of the program. Typically that would be at address 100 hex, therefore:

ASM   EQ    $100
      ORG   ASM
22

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None - It?s a hardware problem.

21

One hundred little bugs in the code,
One hundred little bugs.
Fix a bug, link the fix in,
One hundred little bugs in the code.

19

My other car is a cdr.

(It's a lisp joke - the cells in a pair are accessed with car and cdr)

19

alt text

18

This one is old but good imo:

Select * From Users Where Clue > 0;

>0 Rows Returned
18

Some of my favorite quotes:

It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter. - Nathanial Borenstein

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization - Gerald M Weinberg ( aka Weinberg's Law )

18

The 12 most common statements you are likely to hear from a Klingon programmer

  • ?Specifications are for the weak and timid!?
  • ?This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!?
  • ?You cannot begin to appreciate Dilbert unless you have read it in the original Klingon!?
  • ?Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!?
  • ?What is this talk of ?release?? Klingons do not ?release? software. We uncage our software, letting it leave a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.?
  • ?Klingon function calls do not have ?parameters.? They have ?arguments? . . . and they ALWAYS WIN THEM!?
  • ?Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.?
  • ?I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not trouble us again.?
  • ?A TRUE Klingon programmer does not comment his code!?
  • ?By filing this PTR you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!?
  • ?You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!?
  • ?Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!?

anon

14

Not precisely a code joke, but still one of my favorites, and definitely is all too applicable to coding:

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

14

variation: There are 10 types of people: Those who understand binary and those who get laid.

13

A Computer is like a submarine. When you open Windows, the trouble begins.

13

Q. How many Haskell programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Not defined: changing a light bulb is a side effect.

12

Is this a hashtable? Because I see me looking you up in constant time

12

your program (n): a maze of non-sequiturs littered with clever-clever tricks and irrelevant comments. Compare MY PROGRAM.

my program (n): a gem of algorithmic precision, offering the most sublime balance between compact, efficient coding on the one hand, and fully commented legibility for posterity on the other. Compare YOUR PROGRAM.

12

A WTF boolean using an enum.

enum BOOLEAN {
    TRUE,
    FALSE,
    FILE_NOT_FOUND
};
12

Jesus and the devil are in a programming contest. As the hours pass by, they both work furiously and there is no clear front runner.

Then, just as time is almost up, there's a power failure that causes both machines to reboot. The devil is furious, shouting and cursing, and works quickly to finish the contest. Jesus calmly waits for his machine to come back up, and works quietly until the end of the contest.

When time is up, Jesus is declared the winner. The devil asks the judges, "How did he win?!!?" They reply, "Jesus saves."

12
if(!this.Kill(me))
    me.Strength++;
11

Q. Why didn't the Romans make good C programmers?

A. Because they had no way to return 0.

10

I have some terrible homebrew jokes I used to use to sap the morale of my colleagues.

= KnockKnockJoke.cs

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Null

Null who?

Null Reference Exception, object not set to instance of object in line 4 of knockknockjoke.cs

= A UK only joke

Q. Why couldn't the variable buy anything from the charity shop?

A. Because it wasn't in Scope! (Scope is a charity shop in the UK)

= XML

Q. What did the XML Parser say to the invalid xml fragment?

A. None shall Parse!

= India

Q. Why couldn't the Indian programmer get to work?

A. Because he didn't know how to use the Delhigate

9

This is one of my favorite puns. ( copied from here )

It is a reference to code blocks, methods, and closures, in Perl 6

As soon as she walked through my door I knew her type: she was an argument waiting to happen. I wondered if the argument was required... or merely optional? Guess I'd know the parameters soon enough.

"I'm Star At Data", she offered. *( @Data )

She made it sound like a pass. But was the pass by name? Or by position?

"I think someone's trying to execute me. Some caller."

"Okay, I'll see what I can find out. Meanwhile, we're gonna have to limit the scope of your accessibility."

"I'd prefer not to be bound like that," she replied.

"I see you know my methods," I shot back.

She just stared at me, like I was a block. Suddenly I wasn't surprised someone wanted to dispatch her.

"I'll return later," she purred. "Meanwhile, I'm counting on you to give me some closure".

It was gonna be another routine investigation.

  • Dashiell Hammett, "The Maltese Camel"

That Damian Conway sure is a character.

9

How to keep programmer busy?

  • Read the line below.
  • Read the line above.
9

/(bb|[^b]{2})/i (click link for the SO post that explains it)

9

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary, those who don't and those who understand gray code.

9

One that I came up with the other day:

that | smoke

A.k.a. "Put that in your pipe and smoke it."

8

There's an old Russian joke right on the topic.

The teacher asks a 1st-grader's father:

-- What kind of an education are you providing your child with? When I asked him what you did for a living, he replied that his father was a pianist in a whorehouse!

-- Well, I'm a UNIX system expert. Go explain it to him.

8

A unix salesperson, Lenore,
loved her job, but loved the beach more.
  She devised such a way
  to combine work and play:
She sells C-shells by the seashore.

8

One of my favorites is "FREE THE MALLOCS!"

Trying to explain your activism to non-programmer friends doesn't work very well though.

7

For the series on the "x types of people", with a little recursion in it:

There are only 2 types of people in the world: 
those who believe that there are only 2 types of people 
in the world, and those who don't.

7

If you like koans

A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on.

Knight, seeing what the student was doing, spoke sternly: "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong."

Knight turned the machine off and on.

The machine worked.

and

One day a student came to Moon and said: "I understand how to make a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers to each cons."

Moon patiently told the student the following story:

"One day a student came to Moon and said: `I understand how to make a better garbage collector...

[note: Pure reference-count garbage collectors have problems with circular structures that point to themselves.]

7

Hip hip... Array!

7

Theres no place like 127.0.0.1

127.0.0.1 sweet 127.0.0.1

7

C++ Is a modern language: your parents can't touch your privates, but your friends can.

6

I like the haiku error messages.

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

-- (There are more) http://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/error-haiku.html

6

Did you hear about the computer programmer found unconscious in the shower? He was shampooing his hair, and made the mistake of reading the instructions on the bottle: Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

6

I don't write bugs, I write typos that are syntactically correct.

6

ascii a stupid question, get a stupid ansi

6

When we had an "out of order" sign on our office restroom, we added a line "please redirect your output to /dev/null"

5

One error code for Java in hex is 0xBADCAFE

And additional list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hexspeak

5

My favorite programming pun is actually in Swedish and it can't really be translated so this'll be a special for all Swedish speaking people in here:

Två programmerare och en stack

5

From an analysis of the Linux ELF binary executable files for Oracle Database 11g:

The set of hashing algorithm identifier values (used as a parameter to the ztv2ghashs hashing function)..

0xf00d means: Use MD4 
0xdead means: Use SHA1 
0xbeaf means: Use MD5

Some programmer at Oracle has a (schoolboy;-) sense of humour!

4

Don't know if this a pun but I read this in someone's signature once:

"At the beginning of my career I used to write software that just worked. Now, I write software that doesn't fail."

4

Something I cooked up on the Joel on Software boards a few years ago:

Developer Movie Titles

4

Here's my favorite (in Visual Basic):

Sub doSomething
 on error goto hell

 doStuff()

hell:
End Sub
4

Something I came up with many years ago that I've still got:

If the software in The Matrix had been developed by Microsoft:

  1. Earlier versions of The Matrix that failed for being "too perfect" were developed by Apple Computer.
  2. The Matrix not actually developed by Microsoft at all, but instead purchased from Matrix Computer Systems Ltd.
  3. The Oracle would be known as The SQL Server (and wouldn't know so much...)
  4. The entire Matrix would require rebooting every week for Security Hotfixes.
  5. The Architect would be a guy in rubbish glasses with a never-changing haircut...
  6. Agent Smith would be known as Dr. Watson.
  7. The Microsoft Vison: A Computer In Every Home? Now A Computer In Every Mind!
  8. 10% of humans would be incompatible with The Matrix without updated drivers.
  9. The fact that the humans can broadcast into The Matrix shows a basic lack of default WiFi security settings.
  10. Bullet Time - not a cool special effect, but caused by computer slow-down while the system writes to the Page File.
4
if(you.AreHappy && you.KnowIf){
  you.ClapHands();
}

[TestMethod]
public void Paradox(){
  while(shrodingersCat.InTheBox){
    Assert.IsTrue(shrodingersCat.IsAlive);
    Assert.IsTrue(shrodingersCat.IsDead);
  }
}
4

Q. How many Haskell semantics does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Impossible, they're all lazy.

4
while (!$sleep) 
{
    $sheep++;
}
4

alt text

3

Ghosts are real! unless declared int...

3

SELECT DISTINCT users.id, users.membership, (((acos(sin((35.7589*pi()/180)) * sin((users.latitude*pi()/180))+cos((35.7589*pi()/180)) * cos((users.latitude*pi()/180)) * cos(((-78.7798- users.longitude)*pi()/180))))*180/pi())*60*1.1515) as distance FROM users INNER JOIN laston ON users.id = laston.user_id INNER JOIN z_9 AS s9 ON users.id = s9.user_id INNER JOIN z_12 AS s12 ON users.id = s12.user_id INNER JOIN z_13 AS s13 ON users.id = s13.user_id INNER JOIN z_14 AS s14 ON users.id = s14.user_id INNER JOIN z_15 AS s15 ON users.id = s15.user_id INNER JOIN z_16 AS s16 ON users.id = s16.user_id INNER JOIN z_17 AS s17 ON users.id = s17.user_id INNER JOIN z_18 AS s18 ON users.id = s18.user_id INNER JOIN z_19 AS s19 ON users.id = s19.user_id INNER JOIN z_21 AS s21 ON users.id = s21.user_id INNER JOIN z_22 AS s22 ON users.id = s22.user_id INNER JOIN z_23 AS s23 ON users.id = s23.user_id INNER JOIN z_24 AS s24 ON users.id = s24.user_id INNER JOIN z_25 AS s25 ON users.id = s25.user_id INNER JOIN z_27 AS s27 ON users.id = s27.user_id INNER JOIN z_29 AS s29 ON users.id = s29.user_id INNER JOIN z_31 AS s31 ON users.id = s31.user_id INNER JOIN z_32 AS s32 ON users.id = s32.user_id INNER JOIN z_33 AS s33 ON users.id = s33.user_id INNER JOIN z_35 AS s35 ON users.id = s35.user_id INNER JOIN z_38 AS s38 ON users.id = s38.user_id INNER JOIN z_39 AS s39 ON users.id = s39.user_id INNER JOIN z_40 AS s40 ON users.id = s40.user_id INNER JOIN z_41 AS s41 ON users.id = s41.user_id INNER JOIN z_42 AS s42 ON users.id = s42.user_id INNER JOIN z_50 AS s50 ON users.id = s50.user_id INNER JOIN z_51 AS s51 ON users.id = s51.user_id INNER JOIN z_53 AS s53 ON users.id = s53.user_id INNER JOIN z_55 AS s55 ON users.id = s55.user_id INNER JOIN z_58 AS s58 ON users.id = s58.user_id INNER JOIN z_60 AS s60 ON users.id = s60.user_id WHERE 1 AND users.gender = '4112' AND users.seeking = '4092' AND (s9.option_id = '137' OR s9.option_id = '138' OR s9.option_id = '139' OR s9.option_id = '140' OR s9.option_id = '141' OR s9.option_id = '142' OR s9.option_id = '433' OR s9.option_id = '434' OR s9.option_id = '481' OR s9.option_id = '482') AND (s12.option_id = '214' OR s12.option_id = '215' OR s12.option_id = '216' OR s12.option_id = '217' OR s12.option_id = '218' OR s12.option_id = '220') AND (s13.option_id = '221' OR s13.option_id = '222' OR s13.option_id = '223' OR s13.option_id = '224' OR s13.option_id = '225' OR s13.option_id = '226' OR s13.option_id = '227' OR s13.option_id = '429' OR s13.option_id = '435' OR s13.option_id = '495') AND (s14.option_id = '228' OR s14.option_id = '229' OR s14.option_id = '230' OR s14.option_id = '231' OR s14.option_id = '488' OR s14.option_id = '489' OR s14.option_id = '646') AND (s15.option_id = '232' OR s15.option_id = '233' OR s15.option_id = '234' OR s15.option_id = '645') AND (s16.option_id = '238' OR s16.option_id = '239' OR s16.option_id = '240') AND (s17.option_id = '242' OR s17.option_id = '243' OR s17.option_id = '244' OR s17.option_id = '245' OR s17.option_id = '246' OR s17.option_id = '436') AND (s18.option_id = '248' OR s18.option_id = '249' OR s18.option_id = '250' OR s18.option_id = '251' OR s18.option_id = '252' OR s18.option_id = '253' OR s18.option_id = '254' OR s18.option_id = '437') AND (s19.option_id = '256' OR s19.option_id = '257' OR s19.option_id = '258' OR s19.option_id = '259' OR s19.option_id = '260' OR s19.option_id = '261' OR s19.option_id = '262' OR s19.option_id = '263' OR s19.option_id = '264' OR s19.option_id = '265') AND (s21.option_id = '276' OR s21.option_id = '277' OR s21.option_id = '278' OR s21.option_id = '279' OR s21.option_id = '280' OR s21.option_id = '281' OR s21.option_id = '282' OR s21.option_id = '283') AND (s22.option_id = '285' OR s22.option_id = '286' OR s22.option_id = '287' OR s22.option_id = '288' OR s22.option_id = '492' OR s22.option_id = '493' OR s22.option_id = '494') AND (s23.option_id = '290' OR s23.option_id = '291' OR s23.option_id = '292' OR s23.option_id = '491' OR s23.option_id = '663') AND (s24.option_id = '294' OR s24.option_id = '295' OR s24.option_id = '296' OR s24.option_id = '297' OR s24.option_id = '298') AND (s25.option_id = '299' OR s25.option_id = '300' OR s25.option_id = '301' OR s25.option_id = '302' OR s25.option_id = '454' OR s25.option_id = '455') AND (s27.option_id = '312' OR s27.option_id = '313' OR s27.option_id = '314' OR s27.option_id = '315' OR s27.option_id = '316' OR s27.option_id = '317' OR s27.option_id = '318' OR s27.option_id = '319' OR s27.option_id = '320' OR s27.option_id = '344') AND (s29.option_id = '321' OR s29.option_id = '322' OR s29.option_id = '323' OR s29.option_id = '324' OR s29.option_id = '325' OR s29.option_id = '326' OR s29.option_id = '327' OR s29.option_id = '328' OR s29.option_id = '329' OR s29.option_id = '330') AND (s31.option_id = '333' OR s31.option_id = '334' OR s31.option_id = '335' OR s31.option_id = '336' OR s31.option_id = '337' OR s31.option_id = '338' OR s31.option_id = '339' OR s31.option_id = '341' OR s31.option_id = '342') AND (s32.option_id = '348' OR s32.option_id = '350' OR s32.option_id = '351' OR s32.option_id = '352' OR s32.option_id = '353' OR s32.option_id = '354' OR s32.option_id = '355' OR s32.option_id = '356' OR s32.option_id = '357' OR s32.option_id = '358') AND (s33.option_id = '362' OR s33.option_id = '363' OR s33.option_id = '364' OR s33.option_id = '365' OR s33.option_id = '366' OR s33.option_id = '367' OR s33.option_id = '368' OR s33.option_id = '369' OR s33.option_id = '370' OR s33.option_id = '371') AND (s35.option_id = '372' OR s35.option_id = '373' OR s35.option_id = '374' OR s35.option_id = '375' OR s35.option_id = '449' OR s35.option_id = '450' OR s35.option_id = '567' OR s35.option_id = '568' OR s35.option_id = '569' OR s35.option_id = '571') AND (s38.option_id = '376' OR s38.option_id = '377' OR s38.option_id = '378' OR s38.option_id = '379' OR s38.option_id = '380' OR s38.option_id = '381' OR s38.option_id = '382' OR s38.option_id = '383' OR s38.option_id = '384' OR s38.option_id = '385') AND (s39.option_id = '386' OR s39.option_id = '387' OR s39.option_id = '388' OR s39.option_id = '389' OR s39.option_id = '390' OR s39.option_id = '391' OR s39.option_id = '392' OR s39.option_id = '393' OR s39.option_id = '394' OR s39.option_id = '395') AND (s40.option_id = '402' OR s40.option_id = '403' OR s40.option_id = '404' OR s40.option_id = '405' OR s40.option_id = '406' OR s40.option_id = '407' OR s40.option_id = '408' OR s40.option_id = '409' OR s40.option_id = '410' OR s40.option_id = '411') AND (s41.option_id = '413' OR s41.option_id = '414' OR s41.option_id = '415' OR s41.option_id = '416' OR s41.option_id = '417' OR s41.option_id = '418' OR s41.option_id = '419') AND (s42.option_id = '421' OR s42.option_id = '422' OR s42.option_id = '423' OR s42.option_id = '424' OR s42.option_id = '425' OR s42.option_id = '426' OR s42.option_id = '427' OR s42.option_id = '453' OR s42.option_id = '641' OR s42.option_id = '643') AND (s50.option_id = '496' OR s50.option_id = '497' OR s50.option_id = '498' OR s50.option_id = '499' OR s50.option_id = '500' OR s50.option_id = '501' OR s50.option_id = '502' OR s50.option_id = '503' OR s50.option_id = '504' OR s50.option_id = '505') AND (s51.option_id = '509' OR s51.option_id = '510' OR s51.option_id = '511' OR s51.option_id = '512' OR s51.option_id = '513' OR s51.option_id = '514' OR s51.option_id = '515' OR s51.option_id = '516' OR s51.option_id = '517' OR s51.option_id = '518') AND (s53.option_id = '538' OR s53.option_id = '539' OR s53.option_id = '540' OR s53.option_id = '541' OR s53.option_id = '542' OR s53.option_id = '543' OR s53.option_id = '544' OR s53.option_id = '545' OR s53.option_id = '546' OR s53.option_id = '547') AND (s55.option_id = '4152' OR s55.option_id = '4162' OR s55.option_id = '4172' OR s55.option_id = '4182' OR s55.option_id = '4192' OR s55.option_id = '4202' OR s55.option_id = '4212' OR s55.option_id = '4222' OR s55.option_id = '4232' OR s55.option_id = '4242') AND (s58.option_id = '605' OR s58.option_id = '606' OR s58.option_id = '607' OR s58.option_id = '608' OR s58.option_id = '609' OR s58.option_id = '610' OR s58.option_id = '611' OR s58.option_id = '612' OR s58.option_id = '613' OR s58.option_id = '614') AND (s60.option_id = '682' OR s60.option_id = '683') AND users.approved = '1' AND users.deleted = '0' and users.main_photo_id !=0 AND (users.latitude > 35.3239421622 AND users.latitude < 36.1938578378) AND (users.longitude > -79.3142578966 AND users.longitude < -78.2453421034) AND users.dob > '1957-03-19' AND users.dob < '1988-03-19' AND users.id != '1' AND users.id NOT IN (SELECT blocked_user_id FROM blocked WHERE user_id = '1') AND users.id NOT IN (SELECT user_id FROM personal_definitions_attention) ORDER BY distance ASC LIMIT 500

3

8 bytes walk into a bar, the bartender asks "What will it be?" They reply, "Make us a double."

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, ?Are you ill??
The second byte replies, ?No, just feeling a bit off.?

How do OOP programmers make their living? Inheritance.

3

favorite is....

class Lady { void mind; short skirt; }

class MarriedWomen { double weight; }

3

Maybe the funniest programming-related joke i've ever heard. It begins like this:

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0, but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,

Here's the link w/ the rest.

3

Almost true.

alt text

2

An old one...

Q: How many Intel processors does it take to do a logical shift right?

A: 33. 32 to hold down the bits, and 1 to push the register.

2

I heard this one in a podcast from the OOPSLA 07 conference. I'm paraphrasing and quoting from memory so bear with me...

A programmer got a peek at the source code for the universe (obviously written in LISP) and said... My God! It's full of CARs!

2

From QDB #11841

<iNoah> "hi, I'm a lisp virus. please read me with an emacs mail reader and eval me."
<moof> (defun email-virus-hook 'my-virus)
<iNoah> s/defun /add-hook '/
<kermit> Noah takes defun out of everything.

2

Another koan:

The venerable master Qc Na was walking with his student, Anton. Hoping to prompt the master into a discussion, Anton said "Master, I have heard that objects are a very good thing - is this true?" Qc Na looked pityingly at his student and replied, "Foolish pupil - objects are merely a poor man's closures." Chastised, Anton took his leave from his master and returned to his cell, intent on studying closures. He carefully read the entire "Lambda: The Ultimate..." series of papers and its cousins, and implemented a small Scheme interpreter with a closure-based object system. He learned much, and looked forward to informing his master of his progress.

On his next walk with Qc Na, Anton attempted to impress his master by saying "Master, I have diligently studied the matter, and now understand that objects are truly a poor man's closures." Qc Na responded by hitting Anton with his stick, saying "When will you learn? Closures are a poor man's object." At that moment, Anton became enlightened.

2

This'll probably get lost somewhere in the back there, but here goes anyway. I once wrote this a while back, fed up with the abundance of "Hello World!" programs.

#!/usr/bin/perl
for $i (1..10) {sleep 1; print ((10-$i)."\n");}
print "Goodbye world!";
&global_thermonuclear_meltdown;
2

What is the common question asked when two programmers meet and when two beggars meet?

. . . . . . Which platform are you working in?

2

Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a process?

A: Five. Four to hold it down and one to rip its head off.

2

This always makes me smile: VB

Dim User ...

1

Other funny alphanumeric numbers can be found at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magic_number_(programming)#Magic_GUIDs

1

Raymond Chen on .NET Rocks: "You manage your own code!" in a thick bronx? accent.

1

I like the Alan Perlis quotes enough to make a tribute.

1

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Drug Dealers                                                                   |Computer Programmers                                                  |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Refer to their clients as "users".                                             |Refer to their clients as "users".                                    |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|"The first one's free!"                                                        |"Download a free trial version?"                                      |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).          |Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code). |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "Dime bag," "E".                              |Strange jargon: "SCSI," "RTFM," "Java," "ISDN".                       |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.            |Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.   |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.          |Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines.       |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.                               |Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Their product causes unhealthy addictions.                                     |DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said.                      |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.   |Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!                                                   |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1

There's Bill Gosper's famous "Split-p soup?" quote.

1

  All Products  |   Support  |   Search  |   microsoft.com Home  |   Bestiality.Net     Support Home  |   Self Support  |   Self Abuse  |   Assisted Support  |   Custom Support  |   Worldwide Support  | HOWTO: Read the Fucking Manual


The information in this article applies to:
  • General Lamers
Prerequisites:
  • The ability to Read
  • Basic Brain Function


SUMMARY

This article demonstrates how to read the fucking manual, as popularised by the RTFM directive.


SYMPTOMS

After asking a truly pathetic question, you are instructed to RTFM:-


* Lamer (~SomePunk@AOL.com) has joined #visualbasic

[10:24] <Lamer> How do i [Your obvious/lame question]?
[10:25] <@oper> RTFM bitch

*
Lamer was kicked by @oper (fuckwit)
[10:27] <VBg0d> i made a irc client!!!!!!
*** assmaster83 (~dubya@oval.whitehouse.gov) invites you to join #animalsex
[10:27] <Guest50468> VBg0d, c00l, i made a webbrowser!!




CAUSE

Lameness


MORE INFORMATION

Step-by-Step Procedures
  • Locate a Manual, either in printed form or on your MSDN CD's, if you're a punk/bitch/h4x0r and don't have the MSDN collection on disk, view the online version at msdn.microsoft.com/library/

  • Using either the Index or Search feature, locate a keyword relating to you're question/problem

  • If you're using a printed manual, flip to the page(s) as detailed in your search of the index, alternatively, if you're using the MSDN library, click the link(s) in the search results window.

  • Read the information. If you have problems understanding the information, read it again. Repeat until enlightenment is achieved.

REFERENCES

For additional information, please see the following articles in the Microsoft Knowledge Base:

Q166392 HOWTO: Read
Q147875 HOWTO: Apply for employment with McDonalds
Q171146 HOWTO: Convert absolutely everything to XML
Q181290 HOWTO: Add a #, + or .Net to your old software to keep it cutting edge
Q102496 INFO: How to use the HOWTO's HOWTO document


Additional query words: XML l33t fool dumbass lamer monkey semen bigAl[work] Lurve god

Version : 1.6¾
Platform : Thing to stand on
Issue type : Type of Issue
Technology : Limited


Last Reviewed: February 23, 2000
© 2000 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved. Terms of Use.
New: The CorporateWarfare.net SDK for win64/Itanium

1

Computers are a lot like air conditioners. They both work great until you start opening windows.

1

When somthing goes wrong you can't explain, just say: Must be a layer 8 problem...

1

In VBScript: Dim Sum

1

"A System Error has occurred...
Error Message: Keyboard not attached
Press F1 to continue"

1

I like this

1
you step into the stream
but the water has moved on
404 file not found.
1

I hear that FOX are producing a TV show about an object that gets converted into XML.

It's being serialized.

(sorry)

1

IF IF = THEN THEN THEN = ELSE; ELSE ELSE = IF;

-- PL/1 --

Allegedly, any way.

1

Just thought of one, not sure how funny it is :P

public enum ees{
    John_Dillinger, Baby_Face_Nelson, Pretty_Boy_Floyd
}

LAWL right? yeah it's lame. the movie was alright btw.

1

"Programming is full of surprises".
The biggest surprise is, when you meet those surprises, you realise that you never understood what that you never understood what means "Programming is full of surprises"

1

Q: What do you call the arguments of a program that is very difficult and painful?

A: aaarghc, aaarghv

1
0

Java's magic number for .class files 0XCAFEBABE

0

A presenter and view are out clubbing. The view has had way too much to drink and the presenter leans over a model "Can you give me a lift home, I just can't depend on this guy"

0

if (APP.CRASH()) { nuke_china; }

I have nothing bad in my mind about china, this is just our local joke with friends.

0

Be sure to check out this epic collection of real-life gems over at the WikiWikiWeb.

Funny Things Seen In Source Code And Documentation

0

A couple of good ones for those that are into number systems:

  • If you feel the metric system is confusing should try hex. The Drinking age is 15 and you can get married at 10.

Or along similar lines:

Q: How do you know your child will grow up to be a good programmer?

A: His favorite game is Crazy 10's (base 8)

Q Why don't you ever see a char or short at a buffet?

A They're full after a couple of bytes.

0

Q: How many object oriented programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None: The light bulb will change itself!

0

alt text

0

My professor told me copy and paste coding is bad, so I typed it all from scratch...

0

Some of you remember James Rumbaugh, one of the UML proponents. Here's an example of inheritance:

alt text

-1

There are 10 kinds of people in this world—those who can understand binary and those who can't.

-1

delete system 32. make your computer faster

-1

I read they are thinking of creating .xxx websites. I don't know why... we already have .or g

-1

It is not just for programmers but I really like this one I saw once in a T-shirt:

"There Are Only 10 Types of People in the World: Those Who Understand Binary, and Those Who Don't."

-2

Ooh, I've got one!

VB