591

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Nobody likes waiting but unfortunately in the Ajax application I'm working on at the moment, there is one fair-sized pause (1-2 seconds a go) that users have to undergo each and every time they want to load up a chunk of data.

I've tried to make the load as interactive as possible. There's an animated GIF alongside a very plain, very dull "Loading..." message.

So I thought it might be quite fun to come up with a batch of 50-or-so funny-looking messages and pick from them randomly so the user never knows what they're going to see. The time they would have spent growing impatient is fruitfully used.

Here's what I've come up with so far, just to give you an idea.

var randomLoadingMessage = function() {
    var lines = new Array(
        "Locating the required gigapixels to render...",
        "Spinning up the hamster...",
        "Shovelling coal into the server...",
        "Programming the flux capacitor"
    );
    return lines[Math.round(Math.random()*(lines.length-1))];
}

(Yes -- I know some of those are pretty lame -- That's why I'm here :)

The funniest I see today will get the prestigious "Accepted Answer" award. Others get votes for participation.

Enjoy!!

426

The MIT campus map has a bunch of good ones:

(All loading messages are prefixed with "Please wait")

  • 640K ought to be enough for anybody
  • the architects are still drafting
  • the bits are breeding
  • we're building the buildings as fast as we can
  • would you prefer chicken, steak, or tofu?
  • pay no attention to the man behind the curtain
  • and enjoy the elevator music
  • while the little elves draw your map
  • a few bits tried to escape, but we caught them
  • and dream of faster computers
  • would you like fries with that?
  • checking the gravitational constant in your locale
  • go ahead -- hold your breath
  • at least you're not on hold
  • hum something loud while others stare
  • you're not in Kansas any more
  • the server is powered by a lemon and two electrodes
  • we love you just the way you are
  • while a larger software vendor in Seattle takes over the world
  • we're testing your patience
  • as if you had any other choice
  • take a moment to sign up for our lovely prizes
  • don't think of purple hippos
  • follow the white rabbit
  • why don't you order a sandwich?
  • while the satellite moves into position
  • the bits are flowing slowly today
  • dig on the 'X' for buried treasure... ARRR!
  • it's still faster than you could draw it


EDIT: MIT has since updated their campus map. The old map can still be found at archive.org, and the old loading messages can still be found here (for now).

370 accepted
  • Do you suffer from ADHD? Me neith- oh look a bunny... What was I doing again? Oh, right. Here we go.
  • The last time I tried this the monkey didn't survive. Let's hope it works better this time.
  • Testing data on Timmy... ... ... We're going to need another Timmy.
  • I should have had a V8 this morning.
  • My other load screen is much faster. You should try that one instead.
  • The version I have of this in testing has much funnier load screens.
323

"Loading humorous message ... Please Wait"

257

Two animated gifs, one that runs twice as fast. A button that says 'Turbo Boost'. On click swap in the fast gif for a few seconds after which swap back and briefly display 'Turbo boost exhausted, click again to re-enable'. Reduce time enabled after each click.

Randomly introduce messages 'Are you sure this is helping?' and 'Must go faster, must go faster'.

230

Animate this:

Testing RAM..............OK
Testing CPU..............OK
Testing Primary Disk.....OK
Testing Patience.......FAIL

USER ERROR: OUT OF PATIENCE!
224
Loading Infinite Monkeys....
Monkey 1....................Loaded
Monkey 2....................Loaded
Monkey 3....................Loaded
Monkey 4....................Loaded
Monkey 5....................Loaded
Monkey 6....................Loaded
Monkey 7....................Loaded
Monkey 8.........
222

Reticulating splines

160

"Warming up Large Hadron Collider..."

150

The NetPositive browser on BeOS had some great error messages! They were all written as Haiku and could be modified to suit your app or at least provide some inspiration:

http://www.8325.org/haiku/

  The web site you seek
  Lies beyond our perception
  But others await.

  Sites you are seeking
  From your path they are fleeing
  Their winter has come.

  A truth found, be told
  You are far from the fold, Go
  Come back yet again.

  Wind catches lily
  Scatt'ring petals to the wind:
  Your site is not found.

  These three are certain:
  Death, taxes, and site not found.
  You, victim of one.

  Ephemeral site.
  I am the Blue Screen of Death.
  No one hears your screams.

  Aborted effort:
  The site, passed this veil of tears.
  You ask way too much.

  Mourning and sorrow
  404 not with us now
  Lost to paradise.

  Not a pretty sight
  When the web dies screaming loud
  The site is not found.

  Site slips through fingers
  Pulse pounding hard and frantic
  Vanishing like mist.

  The dream is shattered
  The web site cannot be found
  Inside the spring rain.

  Bartender yells loud
  Your site cannot be found, boy
  Buy another drink.

  Chrome megaphone barks
  It's not possible to talk
  Not yet anyway.

  Emptyness of soul
  Forever aching blackness:
  "Blah.com not found."

  Click exciting link
  Gossamer threads hold you back
  404 not found.

  With searching comes loss
  And the presence of absence:
  The site is not found.

  You step in the stream,
  But the water has moved on
  The site is not here.

  Rather than a beep
  Or a rude error message,
  These words: 'Site not found.'

  Something you entered
  Transcended parameters.
  The site is unknown.

  Stay the patient course
  Of little worth is your ire
  The server is down

  There is a chasm
  Of carbon and silicon
  The server can't bridge.

  Chaos reigns within.
  Reflect, repent, and retry.
  Server shall return.

  Won't you please observe
  A brief moment of silence
  For the dead server?

  First snow, then silence.
  This expensive server dies
  So beautifully.

  Seeing my great fault
  Through darkening dead servers
  I begin again.

  Visit the home page
  It can't be done easily
  When the site is down.

  Cables have been cut
  Southwest of Northeast somewhere
  We are not amused.

  Site is silent, yes
  No voices can be heard now
  The cows roll their eyes.

  Silicon shudders
  The site is down for the count
  One big knockout punch.

  Yesterday it worked
  Today it is not working
  The web is like that.

  The ten thousand things
  How long do any persist?
  The file, not there.

  A file that big?
  It might be very useful
  But now it is gone.

  To have no errors
  Would be life without meaning
  No struggle, no joy

  Errors have occurred.
  We won't tell you where or why.
  Lazy programmers.

  The code was willing
  It considered your request,
  But the chips were weak.

  Error reduces
  Your expensive computer
  To a simple stone.

  Server's poor response
  Not quick enough for browser.
  Timed out, plum blossom.

  Login incorrect.
  Only perfect spellers may
  Enter this system.

145

How about randomly generating a phrase?

[verbing] [adjective] [plural noun]

And then have a small dictionary for each of these three slots: { "transglutinating", "fine-tuning" }, { "injector", "radiant" }, { "goatherd", "post-processor" }.

128

"Scanning your hard drive for pr0n. Please be patient..."

128

"It looks like you're waiting for a website to load..."

115

Sammyo's answer

Yes there really are magic elves with an abacus working frantically in here.

is the only way to be possibly funny every single time. You need ONE centralizing concept, like elves inside, and then you work with that.

This derives in:

  • Happy Elf and Sad Elf are talking about your data. Please wait.
  • All the relevant elves are on break. Please wait.

etc. etc. As long as there's one concept in there, the user will feel it's funny because they've "gotten it" and then you can go out on further and further tangents.

  • Elf down! We're cloning the elf that was supposed to get you the data. Please wait.
110

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SimCity_2000

SimCity 2000 was the first sim game to feature the semi-nonsensical phrase "Reticulating Splines". Will Wright stated in an interview that the game does not actually reticulate splines when generating terrain; he inserted the phrase because it "sounded cool". The phrase has since been featured in SimCopter, SimCity 4 and The Sims, as well as being referenced humorously by a status message in Mozy, an off-site backup solution offered by EMC Corporation. It is also parodied in the game Spore which features the phrase "Reticulating Spines" in some of its loading screens.

Video clip of female voiceover from SimCity 2000

108

"Press Alt+F4 for a quick IQ test"

(this has the added bonus of being able to waste some time on making your loading messages User-Agent specific...)

95

Time is an illusion. Loading time doubly so.

92

Maybe some recursion:

"Want to see a funny loading message? Take a look here"

89

Futurama Rules!


Reconfoobling energymotron

86

"Press play on tape."

78
  • Are we there yet?
  • Insert quarter
  • 1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall...
  • Hang on a sec, I know your data is here somewhere
  • Well, what are you waiting for?
  • Are we there yet?
  • Have you lost weight?
  • Congratulations!
  • Are we there yet?
77

Measuring the cable length to fetch your data...

70

"It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue."

64

"HELP!, I'm being held hostage, and forced to write the stupid lines!"

64

"Searching for Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything"

60

"The gods contemplate your fate..."

59
  • Waiting for the system admin to hit enter...
  • Paging for the system admin...
  • Warming up the processors...
  • Reconfiguring the office coffee machine...
  • RE-calibrating the internet...
  • Your underwear has conflicted our DB. Please change daily.

Although not that original I really like this idea. I've been wating for a client that would let me use this kind of "features" for a while now. The possibilities are endless.

Note: not my native language so not sure about the spelling etc.

51

I'm up for a code-challange!

create table data
(
    word nvarchar(50) 
    ,type int
)

insert into data select 'recalibrating', 0
insert into data select 'excavating', 0
insert into data select 'finalizing', 0
insert into data select 'acquiring', 0
insert into data select 'locking', 0
insert into data select 'fueling', 0
insert into data select 'extracting', 0
insert into data select 'binding', 0

insert into data select 'flux', 1
insert into data select 'data', 1
insert into data select 'spline', 1
insert into data select 'storage', 1
insert into data select 'plasma', 1
insert into data select 'cache', 1
insert into data select 'laser', 1

insert into data select 'capacitor', 2
insert into data select 'conductor', 2
insert into data select 'assembler', 2
insert into data select 'disk', 2
insert into data select 'detector', 2
insert into data select 'post-processor', 2
insert into data select 'integrator', 2

select  top 1
    v.word as verb
    ,a.word as adjective
    ,n.word as noun
from    data v, data a, data n
where   v.type = 0
    and a.type = 1
    and n.type = 2
order by newid()
46

"Program loaded. Please enter the square root of 598309209839 to continue."

"Press any key to continue" User presses a key. "NO! Not that key!"

45
  • Waiting for Godot...
  • Please don't move...
  • Working... no, just kidding.
  • Working... hey, come back here!
  • Working... So, how are you?
  • Behind you! Ha, ha, gotcha!
  • Please count to 10...
  • Are your shoelaces tied?
  • Exercise: enumerate your shopping list as quickly as possible
  • Working... unlike you!
  • Working... well... you know...
  • Doing something useful...
  • null
  • Oh, yeah, comments! Good idea!

Ok, that's it for this time.

40
  • Why so serious?
  • Er, there is something on your teeth.
  • Are you ready?
  • Prepare for awesomeness!
  • It's not you. It's me.
  • Ouch! Careful where you point that thing!
32

Loading ... Please Wait Attentively (which is what you agreed to in the Terms and Conditions)

27

QUIET !!! I'm trying to think here !

27

"Brain the size of a planet and all you want me to do is recite a funny loading message..."

27

"We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked"

26

"Counting backwards from infinity"

26

Loading completed. Press F13 to continue.

25

from XKCD:

Starting WiFi autoconfig...

searching for WiFi...

Found no open networks. Found secure net SSID "Lenhart Family"

Trying common passwords... Failed.

Checking for WEP Vulnerabilities...None found.

Connecting to Bluetooth phone... Calling local school... Found Lenhart children.

Notifying field agents. Children acquired.

Calling Lenhart parents.

Negotiating for WiFi password...

CTRL-C CTRL-C

24

"Scanning your hard drive for credit card details. Please be patient..."

24

Yes there really are magic elves with an abacus working frantically in here.

24

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

22

Don't panic...

21

World of goo has some of the best loading messages I've seen

testing ozone.

embiggening prototypes.

deterministically simulating the future.

testing for perfection.

16

You are in a maze of twisty loading screens, all alike...

14

I would go with funny messages but I'd also have a lookup table somewhere in the manual for what stage they actually represent. That way when it crashes on "Initialising Giant Laser...", you know that it's actually reading in the file asdfx.dll.

14

"So, do you come here often?"

14

From an old one:

Water detected on drive C:\, please wait. Spin dry commencing.

13

"Adjusting data for your IQ..."
"Generating next funny line..."
"Entertaining you while you wait..."

more...

"Improving your reading skills..."
"Dividing eternity by zero, please be patient..."
"Just stalling to simulate activity..."
"Adding random changes to your data..."
"Waiting for approval from Bill Gates..."

13

"You shouldn't have done that."

"Remember, beer and email don't mix."

"I found a typo! Sending..."

"Your time is important to us. Please hold."

"Warning: Do not set yourself on fire."

"Beauty is skin deep. Have a bag."

"Recording IP address... Checking cookies... Scanning browser history... Generating ad content... Enjoy the goats!"

"Loading new loading screen."

"Making you a cookie."

"Stealing bucket."

"Photographing cats... Attaching signs... MEME complete!"

13

Recalculating PI....

13

A little animated BSOD

alt text

A fatal exception 0E has occurred at 0028:C0011E in VXD VMM(01) +
00010E36...

No, let me think. 00010F24...

Wait a minute. 

Where the hell was that? 

Yeah, found: 00020EFF.

Damn it, we've lost it again. Searching......

Wanna play chess?
12

"Creating Universe (this may take some time)"

(from a really old game on an Acorn called Star Commander or something like that)

11

Creating Time-Loop Inversion Field

11

"Caching internet locally..."

11

Courtesy of [Insert website here]. Sending you to the future one second at a time since [insert current timestamp].

Or just the trimmed version:

"Transporting you into the future one second at a time..."

11

Maybe I'm a bit of a curmudgeon, but users can very quickly lose their sense of humour when a system isn't working as expected. So I'd be very careful and make sure you know who your users are before trying to do this in a real system.

11

Not sure if this one's suggested:

Commencing infinite loop

alternatively

Commencing infinite loop (this may take some time)

10

"While you're waiting, why not head over to http://stackoverflow.com?"

10

Display a random (or sequential per user session) sentence from your EULA - that'll teach'em to read it... uh.. ^^

Or build a database with tips and tricks that aren't related to the app but rather for helping the user be more successful as a person.

Did you know that...

  • exercise makes you smarter?
  • and so on..

...the modern inspirational posters equivalent - any geek will hate it, but most "normal" users will likely take to it a bit (they're hard to understand though, them users ;)

10

The people responsible for the previous please wait messages have been sacked.

Mynd you, mse bites Kan be pretty nasti...

We apologize again for the fault in the messages. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked.

10

"I'm quite drunk, loading might take a little more time than the usual! Please be patient!"

9

I have a game that gives you tips when loading; there are certainly tips that you could put, unless your application is extremely straightforward. GMail puts tips under the inbox, for example; I'd read them if it put them in the loading messages. Get two things done at once: don't make your users uselessly wait AND make sure they can get things done faster. Now that I think about it, there isn't a single program I can think of that has a loading screen that shouldn't have tips there.

9

While you're waiting, how about a little riddle for you? scalar Navier-Stokes equation

Explanation to spoil the party: This is the scalar Navier-Stokes equation, that is related to the Navier?Stokes existence and smoothness problem, which in turn is one of the Mathematics' Millenium Prize Problems.

The above mentioned 'riddle', however, is nonsense without further explanation.

8

"Communing with nature"

"Spinning the wheel of fortune"

Dare I suggest "I'll be back"

Pick a few more famous movie lines....

8

Cybernet loading self awareness....please be patient;

Starting missile launch sequence in 10, 9...;

Increasing speed to 88.8mph;

8

The bits in [] are optional. Alternatively, they can show up after some time:

Waking up the AI... [Error: COFFEE_BIT not set]

Starting [sub]pixel analysis...

Loading loading messages...

Trying to give priority back to actual processing from the loading message handler...

This is a haiku
Your content is now loading
Be patient, will you?

8

Checking prime directives...

  • "Serve the public trust"
  • "Protect the innocent"
  • "Uphold the law"
  • (Classified)
8

Rewinding the DVD...

8

"Please wait...time not important; only life important."

Fifth Element

8

The internet is full... Please wait...

8

Reading GoF, please wait...
Hello Clarice.
Good evening, Clarice.
I just ate your data with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
Closer, please. Clo-ser...
I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here.
Stupidity isn't a virus... but it sure is spreadin' like one!
About your data... I lost it... in a volcano.


User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." -- Dave Barry
Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups. -- Anonymous
"To go forward, you must backup."
"The more I C, the less I see."
"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."
"I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly"
"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d"
"Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."
"It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa."


INITIALIZING UNIX COMMANDS:
unzip...
strip...
touch...
finger...
mount...
fsck...
more...
yes...
unmount...
sleep...
...READY.

8

I can't believe that in nine pages of answers, nobody has said

Please be patient. The program should finish loading in six to eight weeks.

8

"Loading the Loading message.."

8

Just a few ideas:

  • Loading the enchanted bunny...
  • Please wait while this nice progress bar fills to 100%...
  • Let me tell you a joke, two CPUs walk into a bar...
  • Greetings Earthling!
  • I know this is painful to watch, but I have to load this.
  • Go get a cup of coffee or something... (after a while) Did you get it yet!?
  • Go read a book, I'm nearly finished.
  • Oh, no! Loading time...
  • Really sorry, it needs work I know...
  • Buy more RAM...
  • Loading screen... If you can see this then it's already loaded.
  • Starting in 0...1...2...n...
  • Hello!!! Why did you click that button?!
  • Kicking Mort from Madagascar! Please wait...
  • Busing through the motherboard, will arrive soon...
  • Hello this is the CPU: The first core and the second core are working! What!? You got a third core...
8

"Go get a coffee or something. This is going to take a while."

7

The traditional line: "Loading a virus, please relax while your life's work is being deleted..."

7

Sorry my binaries are swapped, busy re-sorting them now....

7

"Computing chance of success"

7

Centralizing the processing units...

Randomizing memory access...

I think, therefore I am...loading!

I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that

7

Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

7

Rolling for initiative...
Attacking the darkness...
Making will save...

7

Searching for the Amulet of Yendor

Preparing for hyperspace jump

Slaying a Balrog

Going to DEFCON 1

Searching for the... OMG, what the heck is THAT doing there?

7

"Waiting for magic to happen..."

But a serious question: is one or two seconds enough time to appreciate a funny message? In my highly subjective opinion, a too-short wait with a message that isn't obviously "loading, please wait" makes it look like you're popping up an important message and the user is missing it. I'm not suggesting you increase the wait time for the messages, though that could be an interesting thought experiment (what's better, two seconds+boring message or ten seconds+interesting message)

7

99 bottles of beer on the wall

Changes to

99 bottles of beer

Changes to

Take one down and pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall

Changes to

98 bottles of beer

And so on... Did someone already write this answer? With 9 pages already and too little time, I was too lazy to check.

6

"Please wait while the punch tape loads..."

6

Accommodating poor back-end SQL query. Please wait...

6

Just use a line from Portal's "Still Alive", bonus points for audio:

"This was a triumph

I?m making a note here: huge success

It?s hard to overstate my satisfaction

Aperture Science

We do what we must because we can

For the good of all of us

Except the ones who are dead

But there?s no sense crying over every mistake

You just keep on trying till you run out of cake

And the science gets done and you make a neat gun

For the people who are still alive"

Or the ever wonderful, "Code Monkey" by the same artist, Jonathon Coulton:

"Code Monkey get up get coffee

Code Monkey go to job

have boring meeting with boring manager Rob

Rob say Code Monkey very diligent

but his output stink

his code not functional or elegant

what do Code Monkey think

Code Monkey think maybe manager want to write goddamn login page himself

Code Monkey not say it out loud

Code Monkey not crazy just proud"

6

Computing 6 x 9...

6

Waiting for more electricity...

6
Ravaging drive C: ......... done.
Ravaging drive D: ......... done.
6

Saw this on a stock webapp the other day

Shorting to afford data transmission

6

Loading: one Mississippi Loading: two Mississippi Loading: three Mississippi

6

On data-load: "Making stuff up. Please wait...".

6
  • Searching for the Any key...
  • Searching for answers...
  • Looking for exact change...
  • Giving it all of got...
  • It's around here somewhere...
  • Stretching first. I don't want to pull a muscle.
  • Paper or plastic?
  • Calculating the odds...
  • Look! Over there -> ->
6

"Downloading the whole Internet. Please wait..."

6
Testing RAM..............OK
Testing CPU..............OK
Testing Primary Disk.....OK
Testing USER IQ........................
Fail: IQ INSUFFICIENT TO RUN THIS PROGRAM
Aborting!
6

That that exists exists in that that that that exists exists in.

6

Just use the BOFH excuse server: http://pages.cs.wisc.edu/~ballard/bofh/bofhserver.pl

6

Not my personal idea, but the sheer number and ridiculousness of the little tidbits here always amazed me.

5

Please pick your your nose and look disinterested at the screen...
Thank you!

5

Hmmm, on a Futurama style theme, I've always wanted to say something like this:

"Let this abomination unto the Lord begin"

5

Just taking the doggy for an urgent walk...please be patient!!

5

To speed up process turn crank attached to computer.

5

Press the Any key to continue.

No not that one, the "Any" key.

Ha ha, gotcha again.

5

Charging capacitors to 1.21 jiggawatts...
Initializing loading message database...
Entertaining possibility of continuing...

5

Some lame ones:

  • The loading screen is a lie.
  • Houston, we have a... oh, hi. All fine here.
5

Anno 1701 (a real time strategy game) has some funny messages:

  • Salting Sea Water
  • Hiding Treasures
  • Filling up Mountains
  • Creating Weather Forecast ....
5

"Time is relative.."

5

"Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated."

5

Insufficient disk space. Reformatting drive C: to allocate space...

5

World Of Goo has some pretty funny loading statements. Here is some that came up when I loaded just then:

Image: World Of Goo Loading Screen

5

There's always the Unix fortune program

5

Please Wait...

Please Wait Some More...

You're Still Waiting, Right?

You still there?...

Hello...

Oh there You are...

Still Waiting... huh

Dum dada dee dum dada...

Am bored, gonna look through your stuff.

hmmm, found Kernel32.dll

scanning kernel32.dll

kernel32.dll is useless. Deleting...

Ta Da... oh wait am not done yet.

5

Are you bored? Me too.

Waiting for something in the server.

Have you considered another ISP?

I'm tired, please be patient.

4

Nowadays I'd rather frighten users by mentioning RIAA, not viruses :)

Something like "scanning your hard drive for pirated movies"

4

Contacting HAL9000 for authorization... I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

4
  1. Spinning up gerbil wheel
  2. Mounting a scratch monkey
  3. Counting an infinite number of monkeys
  4. Stretching an owl
  5. Buying the world a Coke
4

Waking up your lazy processor.

Having a quick byte to eat ...

I'll be with you in a bit ...

4

"Baking cake..."

?Look behind you, a Three-Headed Monkey!?

4

"Drink and be merry for tomorrow this site may load"

"Et tu RAM"

"This site is like a box of chocolates, you never know what page is gonna load."

"Don't press back ... pretty please"

"All your web browser are belong to us"

4
  • Preprocessing...
  • Parsing...
  • Compiling...
  • Coffee time!
  • Linking...
4

Sorry. Our server is a few bytes short of a file...

Don't throw out that cat! Get me some pliers quick...

Waving the rubber chicken over the server. please wait...

This page brough to you by the Letter Q...

Come to Ralph's Wonder Lama Emporium....

4

"brb, need to pee"

4

The MMORPG Everquest uses a bunch of these while the game loads up. A few favorites of mine are:

Warning. Half Elves are now 49.99999 Elf....

and this:

Hitting your keyboard won't make this faster....

4
  • histone sequence acetylated
  • chromatin decondensed
  • pol II loaded
  • transcription commencing
  • transcription paused
  • transcription resumed
  • transcription completed
  • post transational editing
  • commencing intron splicing
  • completed messenger export
  • start codon recognized
  • translation and polypeptide synthesis commencing
  • stop codon detected
  • post-transational configuration
  • protein transport
  • enzymic reaction
  • product synthesis
  • product complete
4

Klingons on the starboard bow.

4

Could be worse... Hotlines make you pay for it.

4

"Calculating meaning of life...."

Then at completion flash up 42.

4

I once did something like this for the initial test version of an integration tool which would display its results in XML. The tool would take anywhere from 1 to 5 seconds or more (mostly depending on the speed of the database(s) being connected to) and I would display the following in the results field while the tool was processing:

<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
<Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr:SearchForDoubloons xmlns:Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pirate">
    <Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr:EatChineseFood>
     <FoundDoubloons>No</FoundDoubloons>
     <FoundFortuneCookie>
      <FortuneSays>That special someone loves to see the light in your eye.</FortuneSays>
     </FoundFortuneCookie>
    </Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr:EatChineseFood>
</Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr:SearchForDoubloons>

Each time it ran it would draw a different fortune from a list of real fortune cookie fortunes.

This was very well received by everyone, but removed once the tool "matured".

4

Firing up the hyperspace quantum overdrive...

4

Oops... I accidentally the whole system.

4

...main screen turn on

...we get signal

...fpsajfsa;kjfa;ldsfsaf9237497498274sfj;lsafkjakfdsj

...what happen?

...what!

...How are you gentlemen !!

...All your base are belong to us.

...You are on the way to destruction.

...You have no chance to survive make your time.

...You know what you doing.

...Ha ha ha ha....

...Page was beginning...

4
  • Loading Data
  • Verifying Data
    • Data checksum verified
    • Unpacking
    • Release the hounds
    • Data found in tree
  • Verifying User
    • Press any key
    • User is paying attention
    • User is sentient
    • User IQ > 80
    • or
    • User IQ < 80
    • Enable vegetable mode
4

"Bending the spoon..."

4

Out Of Cheese Error! Mr. Jelly! Mr. Jelly

4

Not exactly funny, but Stephen Fry?s iPhone/iPad app (?Fry Paper? ? now that?s funny) presents this text:

Just clearing my throat...

when loading, which seems nicely in keeping with Stephen Fry?s persona.

3

"Computer shutting down in ..."

"Please wait whilst your harddisk is erased ..."

"How did I get sucked in to writing out silly loading lines?"

3

... we're holding our sausage hostage... please be patient...

3
  • "BRB"
  • "BBIAB"
3

Now diluting data to match transmission capacity - please wait.....

The Baby's crying, please change nappies while I am starting up...

I've been wondering lately, don't you get lonesome staring at me?

3

Please wait a moment, deciphering your intentions...

3

Illegal software found on your hard drive! Never mind it's a photo of Chuck Norris...

3
  • Hey, why did you click this button? You woke me up!!!
  • Let me think about this...
  • Please try to click a little softer, that mouse pointer is pointed!
  • Gotcha, boss! Going right at it!
  • Will do. In the meantime, can you prepare me a cup of tea?

And for the traditionalists: 'Hello, Dave!' HAL9000

3

Please wait... Rebooting the Internet

Taking the red pill...

3

Locating infinite improbability drive...

Disengaging Genuine People Personalities Protocol for your sanity...

3

For anyone who played Everquest this might be familiar:

"Teaching Snakes to Kick"

3

"Contemplating the meaning of life"

3

"The longer it takes me, the better it will be for you"

3

"I have experience with [insert random program on system]. I can see [program] from my directory."

3

alt text

3

Searching for an external observer required to conduct Turing Test ...

3

"Gnarfling the Garthok"

"Having fun storming the castle"

3

Sid Meier's Sword of the Samurai anyone:

"Cultivate a stoic calmness"

See http://www.links.net/dox/warez/games/microprose/samurai/pix/interstitialcalmness.gif for how looked it.

There were other koans which I forget.

3

Why write your own? Find a good fortune.dat file,

#include "fortune.h"

And take it from there!

3

Press and hold your power button to improve your productivity.

3

From Office Space: "PC Load Letter!? What the $#%& does that mean?"

3

Loading.......one sec .....hold on....... ..............a minute or two....... what are you doing?.......here comes

3

Dyslexics of the world untie!

3

"Lost my way to your desktop...Please Wait..."

3

The dilithium crystals are fading fast...

3

Please remove your shoes and belt. Place laptops in a single bin. Camera film will not be affected.

In an alternate dimension you're somebody important.

Screen full. Please shake vigorously.

Summoning the vorpal bunny...

3

You might want to make some application-specific ones, like some of the MIT examples. For example, for an email application, you might want something like "Please wait while we scan all your emails into our computer", or the much more sinister "Please wait while we read through all your emails for credit card and social security numbers".

3

How about:

Loading data.
Would you like a game of global thermonuclear war while you wait?

Skizz

3

Please, hold your breath and start praying.

3

"Just a sec, I need coffee, okay?" "Now where the hell's that kitty!?"

3

There is the classic advent line:

"Go read a book while I get my act together".

3

"Reticulating Splines" -the sims

3

What we have here... is a failure to communicate.

3

Please wait while the system allocates resources to show the loading screen...

3

"We're working on making this page load faster"

3

What about this:

ramdomly select some funny dll name (UILoad.dll, PamperUser.dll, MagicMouse.dll, etc)

and display following messages:

PamperUser.dll got hotter than the normal range - temp above X degrees....

cooling down... please wait....
.................

.................

.................

* EMERGENCY * - putting an ice bowl on the CPU could help...

3

"Please wait, while going back in time..."

The malicious thing to then would be to stop the system clock or reset it to the start time on completion, so it would seem the operation took less time.

3

You're the most lovely person on earth.

You're a great person.

What is your purpose in life?

Your life has meaning.

3

"The Elders of the Internet are contemplating your request" "Yes, the elders of the Internet know who you are" "Yes, they also know everything you look at" "Yes, they do accept bribes"

3

prompt("Please enter pi");

3

Please send towels .. LOTS and LOTS of TOWELS.

3

TIP OF THE DAY: Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to.

3

I would never put these in a public application for commercial usage (yet I find them funny)

"The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad ass enough dude to rescue the president?"

"So Sorry! I feel asleep! Continue?"

"You fool! You gave cheese to a lactose intolerant volcano god!"

"All your base are belong to us" (ha ha ha)

"Sorry, but our princess is in another castle!"

"I am Cornholio, I need TP for my bunghole"

"If you ever had sex with a machine, that's what it's like with me. 'Cause I'm like a sex machine. "

"Snake? SNAAAAAAAAKE!!!"

"A Slime draws near! Command?"

"Promise me something, Pinky. Never breed."

Pinky: "Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?" Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!"

"Utilizing satellite technology and these 2 clamps, we will redirect all global telephone communication into an endless voice mail system. And once a person is on the line, the array and amount of choices will render them occupied, busy, and unable to defend the earth for a full 72 hours - more than enough time for a well-prepared mouse to seize control of the planet."

"Come on little buddy, let's get that crazed surgeon to switch our heads back."

"I challenge you to a game of chess!"

"I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."

"It's today!" said Piglet. "My favorite day," said Pooh.

"Dear MacGyver, enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip and a drinking straw, please save my dog."

"What's a cat doing up here?" "Probably asking that same question about four turtles!"

3

Keyboard error. Hit F0 to continue.

3

Creating VB GUI Interface...

Hitting the keyboard may lock up the system... but the printer is fine.

This would go faster if I had opposable thumbs...

I spy something green...

If you need to go to the bathroom, do it now... I don't want to stop later.

Remember back when you smoked? At least you always had something to do.

  • Warning: The internet is a dangerous place.
  • Only about half of its content is true.
  • Proof that Al Gore is the man behind it?
  • We think so.

The series of tubes is a bit congested... the city's got some plumbers working on it right now.

Ah, ah, ah, you didn't say the magic word!

  • PINGING SERVER... SERVER OK!
  • SCANNING FOR VULNERABILITIES...
  • OVERLOADING SERVER RPC STACK...
  • INJECTING ROOTKIT...
  • DOWNLOADING CREDIT CARDS... PLEASE WAIT.
  • CREDIT CARD THEFT SUCCESSFUL.
2

All your base are soon belong to us ...

2

Flooding the InterTubes...

2

a "reticulated spline" is a valid geometrical entity. They're used a lot in terrain modelling. Because you can get non-reticulated splines, someone wiseguy obviously thought it good to start reticulating them.

2

say the alphabet backwards out loud to continue...

2

will be loaded before you find a prime number greater than 3213340251426305445635445323240153125200563544563425133462165205646812473162531431232103456219876514827898324431979570136034631152918765579

1

"Back in 5..."

1

Although some are too specific to the game for general use, Auto Assault had a good list of loading messages, which has been archived here

1

This is direct for men audience:

Loading data sequence....

Generating female bitmap..................

Undressing female......

Rendering image....

Preparing to show......

Putting data into ram....

Preparing to draw....

Drawing....

1
  • "All your pages are belong to me/us." (pick which you prefer, me or us)
  • "Sending up the codes."

I can't think of many more at the moment, but I'm sure I will later. I know they aren't completely original, but as a gamer, it still amuses me (and some of the music videos people make are funny)

1

preparing to format hard drive...

1

Sorry, I don't know how to help in this situation. Maybe you should try asking a human?

1

Awaking the Computer..

1

Lo-lo-lo-lo-loading.... Sorry to stammer, I do it every time when I have to wait for something.

1

"Prepare yourself, for the season of the Moonstones is upon you!"

1

"Do you think this page will load?"

"Ahh.... kidding"

"No, seriously"

1

"insert progress message here"

"message intentionally left blank"

"lorem ipsum dolor..."

1

"Please stand by, application name is grunting a sculpture"

1

Jeopardy music

1

(Most should probably begin with "Please wait...")

  • Fixing glitch...
  • Going the distance...
  • Searching for dragons...
  • Hitting your keyboard won't make this faster...
  • Generating 20 Questions...
  • Releasing hamsters...

Also, on a separate but very important note, this post now shows up first in Google when searching for "funny loading messages". Go SO!

1

"Queueing bird songs" "Coloring flowers"

Online image editor Picnik has a bunch of cutesey loading messages like this.

1

Loading... Please be patie... OMG! Your dog is on fire!

1

"Calculating time to load site..."

1

Wouldn't it be nice if there were an Escape key for all of our problems?

1

If it's a Macintosh; it's got an excuse.

1

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

1

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

1
  • AjaxApp is starting...
  • AjaxApp is shutting down...
  • Calculating time to load...
  • 99.99% complete...
1

It's not really suited for your problem, but I always liked the dragon ball bodokai 3 loading screen. - Playstation.

With time passing by little, monster came out of the soil.

If you twisted one analog stick, they came quicker and more of them came. If you twist both analog stick and use both controlers you get a very decent rate of aliends digging out. (It also depends on the twisting speed)

The controllers cried for mercy. Yes they did!

1

"the Matrix has you, $USERNAME"

"follow the white rabbit"

1

Setting the modulating fibulator to full polarity...

1

this page was crafted from only the finest ascii...

1

Unpacking data package...

1

Reassembling atoms...

1

Chazz: Night is a very dark time for me Jimmy: It's dark for everyone, idiot! Chazz: Not for people who live in Alaska. Or people with night-vision goggles

Chazz: Personal philosophy: Clothing optional.

Chazz: It makes my hair shine like the Belt of Orion.

Chazz: My victory in Boston was as sweet as the cream pie from the city it's named after.

Chazz: They laughed at Louie Armstrong when he said he was going to the moon, and now he's laughing at them from up there.

1

Still there?

Yeah, I had a feeling you'd wanna do(click) this

Waiting for that butterfly in the Andes...

1

Put the kettle on. It's going to take a minute.

1

I would like to program a loading screen that makes you believe that you have a killer behind you. Should of course use the webcam.

1
  • Sometime your agony will be over ..

  • How much time do you have ...

1

Initialising Murphyonic Field...

Corrupting Files...

Burning out microchips...

Tangling Cables...

1

ummm...
thinks...
yawn
is that the time already?

1

"Keep smiling , we found your smiley face cute :) "

1

"Reading AUTOEXEC.BAT..."

1

"Preparing the Matrix"

1

Coffee time!

Minesweeper time!

User patience ending...

Burning your belly fat...

Connecting to BSA main server...

Making fun of you...

Feature unavalaible. Try again in 30 minutes.

Downloading the Internet... ERROR: puny disk detected.

Scanning the Internet for virus...

Watching TV...

Sending all your porn links to your mom...

Poking a hole in your pants...

Scanning Mars for life signals...

1

Trapped in "Loading..." factory, send help.

1

Winding up the rubber band...

1

I used to use a DTP program (Caxton Press?) that displayed the following while zooming in...

Please wait while I explode...

Always made me chuckle...

1

Give the users somewhere to enter their own 'funny' text - just make sure you vet them before making them live!

Or download some headlines from DIGG's API

1

Get the World of Goo demo, they do something like this while loading and some messages are really nice

1

Right - Freeze ray!

1

THE CAKE IS A LIE!
THE CAKE IS A LIE!
THE CAKE IS A LIE!

Adapting the application to your heart frequency

We know you like these, we're sorry they don't last enough.

We're sorry you aren't waiting enough.

Did you know we make you wait so you can see the ads?

Remember to take some food with you.

I'll be right back.

Sorry for the bad smell.

1

"Look behind you!"
"...tell me about your mother..."

1

Totally loaded. (I am, you are, but NOT this application...)

1

On one of the Formula1 team site http://www.forceindiaf1.com

Fuelling, Please Wait

1

Instead of this one:

Not panicking

1

I've had the idea of giving user a simple game to play while loading. This has an added bonus that users who wait longer have more time and can thus score higher. And keeping a score would be a hilarious benchmarking of site loading times.

This site is a perfect example of what I had in mind.

1

"please wait while scanning your hard drive for movies .... "

lol .. tat will freak out some users :D

1

Please wait... Your data is currently being probed by the CIA, NSA, Mossad, MI5 and Al Queada. Don't go anywhere.

1

Stop. Hammertime.

And now it's time for a breakdown.

1
  • Deleting "1984" by George Orwell
  • Deleting "Animal Farm" by George Orwell
  • Purchasing "New Kindle" by Jeff Bezos
  • Accessing "Mastercard Data" by Browser History
1
  • Cleaning your room
  • Dusting
  • Loading...
  • Still Loading (with an OK button activated that'll close the loading screen)
  • Starting Refrigerator
  • Doing your homework
  • Waiting....
  • Just hit that damn OK button, it's been there for a while now!!!
1

"Setting us up the bomb. What you say?"

1

Wait wait wait. I'm meant to DO something?!

1
  • Loading ... go potty before you go potty
  • Loading ... haven't you anything better to do than to read absurdly long and boring messages
  • Loading ... do you like cricket
  • Loading ... the information superhighway appears to be gridlocked
  • Loading ... time for a coffee
1
  • "Loading times too long? Karma for something you've done bad"
  • "Someone put some money in the meter, it's stopped again"
1

"Suggest putting time until completion to good use. Maybe learn to play the violin?"

1

How about some questions, like:

  • Do you know where the flies sleep?
  • Do pigs ever have a headache?
  • Why does a bidet not have a lid?
  • Do mice have colour-vision?
  • How many bytes is a petabyte?
  • What's the square root of 256?
1

Google might try this :

Search query initiated, scanning the whole internet for a match, might take a while........................

1

Are you still sure you wanted that feature instead of performance?

1

Overloading.....

1

Please wait..while we are going to make you an offer that you can't refuse

1

Wait, me worry?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_E._Neuman

1

So what you had for break-fast? [After few seconds] That sounds great! [Just like Dora the explorer] ;)

1

You can also put a microgame (< minigame) in the loading screen, if it's long...

1

Being really sarcastic, just go check Tumblr. Any Tumblr page will give you a bunch. Just remember to refresh every time you need a new one.

1

Connecting to Microsoft.com to validate your version of Microsoft Office...

Your version is pirated. Please standby while we call the police.

0

I was trying to think of Flight of the Concords lyrics (I love that show too):

This is Bowie to Bowie, do you hear me out there man?

This is Bowie back to Bowie I read you loud and clear, man.

0

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

0

Quit Explorer and use Firefox!

5secs more.. Still you are here.. Time to change your service provider.

5secs more.. When did you upgrade your hardware last time?

5secs more.. Oh boy, you must be using the OS which was built a decade ago. Try Mac.

5secs more.. I have stopped loading, pls navigate to a site which is compatible with your speed!

0

Out of Cheese Error! Mr. Jelly! Mr. Jelly!

0

Actually Loading... Please wait.

0

"Listening to the sound of the human nature"

0

Quakelive is over 9000

0
  • Ah, I know your tied its boring the wait for loading but wait... you don't know how boring is to load !

  • I know its stupid to wait, but do you have any other idea !? wait.... I got one.... my idea is...leave the idea cause the loading is done.

  • Wait.... please keep wait... You only have to wait... its easy... just keep reading this.... looks like you have lots of time before you can enjoy from this so keep waiting.

0

Very nice topic. I have thought about doing this myself....now with all these quotes...I may have to give it a whirl!

0

I changed the windows Shutdown screen to Windows is Shitting down

0

HANGAR

FINISHED

ENTERING

NUCLEAR PLANT

or

GET PSYCHED!

A cookie for anyone who catches the reference after all those years ;)

-1
  • checking your assets
  • checking your collection
  • ordering XYZ book from Amazon...
-1

Next year the government will start deporting all of the weird old people.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run, my friend, RUN !!!

-1

Photophlow has some amusing loading messages. Check it out.

-1

Tsss You fancy a beer too?

-1

"is this the way to amarillo?"

"42"

-1
  • CPU on fire? please wait.
  • PC LOAD LETTER. please wait.
-7

First time I saw anything like this was in the game World of Goo. Highly amusing but I'm still waiting on my first opportunity to use the idea.

Some cracking ones in here too :)

-15

In my opinion, you should just use the animated GIF alongside a very plain, very dull "Loading..." message. I prefer to be informed, not entertained. The only exception would be if the page in question would be some kind of funny entertainment page - in that case the light entertaining style would be appropriate as it would fit the overall page style, but in a normal "serious" page I would prefer real information.